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| the mosh |
| 02.22.05 (10:41 pm) [edit] |
the mosh
the mosh
where we rock out to the sounds
where i lost you to the crowd tonight
thrashing about
thrashing about
i tried to find your hand
but a fat man was in my way
the mosh grew heavy and i gave up on pursuit
i rocked out with the crowd that night
at the end
at the end
we found each other but
the mosh had still torn us apart
your my friend
your my friend
but i dont know who you are
the mosh changed who you are somehow
i dont recognize your mind
but i recognize your face
tell me where is the friend i once knew
i dont recognize your mind
but i recognize your face
tell me where is the friend i once knew
(new lyrics for my girl my girl which was played by nirvana on unplugged in newyork)
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| fuck them |
| 02.06.05 (10:12 pm) [edit] |
i am so fucking tired of dealing with this.... they are such liars... the people who used to be my life, the people who used to be the only friends i had are now the a chore. i want to worry about them, i want to feel sry for them and their idiotic choices.. but then they treat me like shit, they lie to me.. they tell me they like me and then talk about me behind my back.. they may have grown into beautiful faces but they are ugly ppl. i really hope i kept the goodness inside me unlike they have. as they get older they become more and more like the socialites that tried so hard not to be.
why has everyone of them turned on me? what did i do.. i may be difficult, i may be very self-conscience and need reassurance along the way, i may get tire and actually want to sleep at 4 in the morning, but i seriously havent done anything nearly as hurtful as what they do to me.. drawing pictures of me, spreading rumors, calling me a slut, they have made my life hell more then once... and then blamed it on me, then said theyd take me back...
but have i learned my lesson, not really, i have distanced myself from them, i have stoped hanging out with them out side of school, but i cant seem to cut them out of my life, because they will always be the people who took me in when i had no one, the ones that helped me blossom and showed me so much of the world. they are the ones who taught me how to live with out the conservative boundaries of the adult world i was forcing myself to live in.. they took me to concerts, they showed me seattle streets and alternative bands. they will always be those ppl. but i am tired of these new ppl they have become.. vindictive, deceitful, doing drugs, smoking, i dont know where i am with them anymore. but i do know i dont want to be part of their little world...
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| creative writing |
| 02.03.05 (3:56 pm) [edit] |
He was absolution for my sinless heart, for faults I feared to show and wounds I could not hide. His warming presence made me sane. if had not for the time he paid, I might have lost my mind. So sure was I that he was the only good thing I had to name, and scared to lose the one who gave me for what I came. Might I have known that this would tear us, I might have thought twice. But even with the end remembered, the truth will set me to my rest for I shall have sweet memories and a future still untold.
Today is sick with harmony’s curse, and I am the victim of my loneliness. i always knew innocence was not a virtue of which my nature could oblige if given the option to go against.
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| highchair thrown |
| 02.02.05 (9:22 pm) [edit] |
dreams of normal lives once had
too strong for you to reprimand
so fitting is this chaotic race
for nothings won and nothings gained
you sit upon your highchair thrown
you send down orders in delighted tone
the clock ticks down the frail time
so kind of you to let me drown
i never meant to make sense to you
but now i see that i actually do
for 10 long years ive taught this class
yet never once have you learned a fact
what could i say which would make you jump
oh please good friend could you add this up
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| green eyed |
| 02.02.05 (5:01 pm) [edit] |
i loved it when you loved me
yet i never let you know
that every breath set heavy heart
as songs spent time from note to note
i loved it when you spoke in french
and expected i wouldnt see
that all those word of which you said
meant that you really cared for me
i told you lies like i told myself
so that i wouldnt have to risk
i was scared of love and scared of you
and now your feelings i can only miss
you moved on like i knew you would
but i want you so badly i wish i still could
you hurt me, you taunt me, with the love that you show
if only i was the girl that you hold.
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| mediocrity kept me from crying |
| 02.02.05 (3:53 pm) [edit] |
i dont know what to do, i never have. playing this guessing game has gotten sooo old. i wish i just had some simplicity to rely on. i dont want to act, i am so tired of acting, and yet i find the world so fucking hard to live in without the facade of mediocrity.
the cloak of the boring do-nothing which i once wore, the one which made me nothing more then invisable, i cannot wear any longer. the emptiness of this time alone is so vivid and overwhelming that i can barely breath, i need to love and i need to be loved.
i need to cut out this tumor in my brain, i cannot fix it, i cannot change it, to do so would hurt me more then i could bare. i hold back screams which murder my heart instead of the silence. but i dare not murder the silence because it is my only comfort from the tears i hear, from the screams i feel, from the ringing echo of broken people and broken dreams.
i want to stay drunk for days on end, i want to be on things which will keep me from dread, i want to run far away from this shattered beaten bed.
as tears come to my eyes, my contacts begin to sting, and i worry about what people will think. why cant i sink to the bottom of the pool and stay there, why do my lungs cry for air so they can be content while i lay on the water and dream of the bottom.
why cant i get over this. why cant i break the pot around me, my root-bound life is killing me slowly as i grow bigger and stronger. i am killing myself and as i see the climax coming i fear the coming of the decent, root killing root. all this work just to starve till the last breath.
here they come again the epitome of my fear, the tears which i wish i didnt feel. here comes the twisted stomach and the guilt of knowing how out of hand this life has come to be, how much i hurt the people around me... how much i hurt myself and cant seem to find away to stop this.
i am so hopeless it kills me just to write it down... and yet i am i am just so cold that i must wrap these words around me to keep from the nip of the air.
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